ALLEGORICAL NOTION OF MARRIAGE (PART II)

The era of arranged marriages has passed. There are too many broken marriages these days. The rate of divorce is increasing among our people who live overseas. The high rate is rearing its ugly head even here in our land. If you have your ears to the ground you must have heard the saying that if we pour new wine into old wine skin the new wine will burst the skin and waste the wine. When young boys come home from USA to seek for a wife, they are necessarily looking for a nurse because the nursing profession is lucrative in America. The question is: Are they looking for a wife or are they looking for a money spinner? Of course, the youth like to go to America. Did the artiste, Mama G not sing: “I love you the way Government loves to owe teachers; I love you the way Nigeria loves American visa. Iji kwe ego? Iya mgbo mgbo.”  When the money-making-machine-wife gets to America and her eyes open as they are bound to open she will know her rights and know the truth that she was primarily married for wealth creation and not for love and companionship. When she refuses to play the role of both devoted patient wife and breadwinner as her foremothers did, divorce or death becomes the answer, the way out.

In the process of getting married, there is an interlude called courtship. This is the time intending couples study one another and try to see if they can cope with each other’s likes and dislikes. It is after this careful study that one gives his or her consent. Marriage is a free act; it is not forced and it requires exchange of will. You don’t jump into marriage because a suitor lives overseas or because a rich handsome man is asking for your hand in marriage. COURTSHIP, FREEDOM, AND CONSENT ARE REQUIRED. This is the 2^nd step.

There is a dangerous euphemism making its rounds among young girls: “Na love we go chop?” The primary end of marriage is love and companionship. The secondary aim is procreation. Children are the fruit of this loving union. A common joke is that Oyibo generally marry because they are in love but the African marries to fall in love later, if ever. Listen to me! This is false. There has always been love in our land. In the olden days many girls eloped with their lovers who could not pay bride price. The pet names which the then husbands gave their wives depict deep love. Such pet names as Obidiya (the husband’s heart), Ahụdiya (the husband’s body), Onụdiya (the husband’s mouth piece), Ụkwụdiya (the husband’s leg), Mmadi (the husband’s paragon of beauty), Uredi (the husband’s pride), Ihudiya (the husband’s face), Egodiya (the husband’s money), Ugodiya (the husband’s eagle), Uridi (the husband’s ornament), Omashịrịdiya (the husband delight) were not given for the fun of it. These affectionate names were given out of love.

People get frustrated when they marry for the wrong reasons. Money is important but it is no substitute for love. Love is capable of sustaining marriage until death and even after death because many young widows refused to remarry. But if one marries for money, when the money finishes the relationship will end. THE RIGHT THING IS TO MARRY OUT OF LOVE. This is the 3^rd step.

Your love for your consort should not be self-seeking, unnecessarily jealous and over possessive. Make yourself attractive and pay attention to personal hygiene. This is very important in marriage because husband and wife need to share intimacy and procreate. However, carnal love may not be able to sustain a marriage till death. Married love needs to grow beyond erotic feelings. Husband and wife should learn to become friends so that they will not be bored and lonely in each other’s presence. It will help them very much in their old age when all their children would have found their own families and the couple are alone once more. Conjugal love should be nurtured to grow and become stable. You should seek for ways to make your love for your spouse grow more and more through caring or thoughtfulness to the point that you love your spouse unconditionally, and sincerely welcome your spouse’s relatives with open arms in your house. A man or woman grew up nurtured by parents to whom they ought to be indebted. They have brothers and sisters whom they have known and loved from birth. It will be most unrealistic for a wife or husband to try to cut themselves off from relatives. In African society people marry their consort along with the consorts’s family members even though these others should show understanding and give the couple respectable distance so that they can found their own family with minimal interference. Some form of interference must be there; we cannot wish it away because African parents do not ensure their lives. Their children are their own insurance. When they struggle to train a person, the person is expected to help them train others. The insurance company that should take care of them in their old age is their children. So it is un-African to grab your husband or wife and shut out his/her family. A man should care for his wife’s family as he cares for his and a wife is to care for the husband’s family as she cares for hers. But the families should be reasonable enough not to ride a willing horse to death.  TO BE THOUGHTFUL OR VERY CARING is the 4^th step. 

Love your spouse the way your spouse is. Everybody has strength and weaknesses. As you study your partner try to discover your partner’s redeeming qualities and keep them in focus. Be understanding and do not concentrate on your partner’s weak points. Nobody is perfect. Do not try to change or recreate your spouse in your own image and likeness. Unity is not sameness; there is unity in diversity. Bear in mind that you cannot change anybody. You can only change your own bad habits and you have plenty of them, I assure you. So OVERLOOK YOUR SPOUSE’S SHORTCOMINGS, if they do not cause public scandal. This is the 5^th step.

Marital relationship is not meant to be a master-slave relationship. It is like a game, a friendly match. You cannot win all the time. You can concede some goals to make your friend feel good. “Nkịta sị ụrọ bụ mụ dara gị, gị adara m -The Dog says play is I fall for you and you fall for me.”  Learn to compromise your stand at times or you may become an impossible person, a bore. DON’T AIM AT HAVING YOUR WAY ALWAYS. This is the 6^th step.

It does not hurt to appreciate and praise somebody. On the contrary it enhances productivity. An Igbo adage has it, “Ekele onye akịdi ya agwọta ọzọ - When you thank someone who brings you beans salad she is encouraged to bring more.” LEARN TO APPRECIATE THE EFFORTS AND CONTRIBUTIONS OF YOUR SPOUSE AND PAY HONEST COMPLIMENTS. This is the 7^th step.

Do not compare your spouse with his/her mates. Do not nag. Do not be a copycat. Don’t do things simply because others are doing it. You must not be like the Joneses. This does not mean that you cannot emulate what is virtuous and good. Be yourself always and BE CONTENT WITH WHAT YOU HAVE. This is the 8^th step.

Be humble! Admit it when you are wrong and apologise. Nobody knows it all. The Psalmist says “If you Oh Lord should mark our guilt, Lord who would survive? But with you is found forgiveness for this we revere you.”  BE TOLERANT, READY TO DIALOGUE AND FORGIVE AT ALL TIMES. This is the 9^thstep.

Cultures do grow by cross fertilization of ideas. There are cultural universals through which one culture can be impregnated by others. No culture thrives well in isolation. Cultures need emancipation just like people. Culture influences people but it is people that create and emancipate culture. The euphemisms “Polygamy is African culture; it is in the nature of man to be polygamous” are dangerous sayings that threaten the sacredness of the marriage bond. It is almost taken for granted that a man cannot control himself. So it is permissible for him to even use his money to buy STD (Sexually transmitted diseases including HIV/AIDS). We should be a thinking people. If Africans can borrow Western education, attire, religion and white wedding, etc. Why can’t they also borrow monogamy and chastity? But it is wrong to say that polygamy is African. The word “polygamy” is English. If the Anglo-Saxons did not have the practice in their culture at one time or the other, they would not have had a vocabulary for it or even make bigamy an offense. Besides, polygamy is made up of polygyny and polyandry. When a man has more than one wife it is called polygyny and when a woman has more than one husband it is called polyandry. Some African cultures have matriarchal systems where women are heads of families and family descent is matrilineal. When we celebrate polygamy, we promote both polygyny and polyandry. Your father married many wives because he was Ọkpụolu - an only child surrounded by Ụmụnnadi - hostile people. Do not marry more than one wife because you may not be as lucky as your father. Besides, you have no reason for it.

Some Money Bags destroy families by converting young girls into mistresses and some wives who do not get the kind of attention they deserve have learnt to also convert young boys into gigolos.  That is, some affluent women pay young boys to be their social partners. Lack of chastity is very wasteful and it destroys marriages like wild fire. Whether you are a man or woman have self-control. No matter how hungry a person is the person will never knowingly eat poisoned food. Sexual drive or impulse is like every other appetite. It can be controlled. At any rate why should a reasonable person go outside to steal something that the person already has in the house?  BE CHASTE, KEEP TO YOUR SPOUSE. This is the 10^th step.

The Bible says: Husband love your wife; Wife be submissive to your husband (Col 3:12 ff.). There are roles in marriage. The man is the chief security officer. He is to provide psychological, economic, and social security. But this does not mean that his wife and children should not be security conscious. These days some women earn more money than their husbands and some husbands are even jobless. This is the time to put new wine into new wine skin so that the old wine skin may not burst. “Onye aka dị kwaa nna ya, ọbụghị opara gburu ya - Whoever has the financial resources should give his father a befitting burial; it was not the first son that killed him.” So a wife should not hide her money because it is the duty of her husband to provide for the family. It is the duty of a wife to encourage and support her husband. She is the chief care provider. The details of housekeeping, neatness and preparation of nice well balanced meals are within her portfolio. In our land we have always had working mothers. No good husband would like to see his wife fagged out. They should lend a helping hand. Husband and wife ought to BE REASONABLE, MATURE, AND ALIVE TO THEIR RESPONSIBILITIES. This is the 11^th step.

The clamour for same sex marriages looms large. Some men think they have a right to marry their fellow men (homosexuality) and some women would want to marry their fellow women (Lesbianism), it is good to know that marriage is necessarily an institution, a union between a man and a woman intended for love, companionship and procreation of children. Human physical features the task of procreation of children strongly suggest, affirm and confirm that it is so. Anything to the contrary is an anomaly.  MARRIAGE IS FOR PERSONS OF OPPOSITE SEX. This is the 12^th step.

Fidelity and permanent relationship are fundamental to marriage. Gone are the days when women were circumcised and made frigid and their duty was to satisfy men. Female circumcision is no longer in vogue and women are as God created them. Their feelings have to be attended to also. If selfishness and lop-sidedness becomes the order of the day, a woman may loath relating with her husband and infidelity may follow. So Husband and wife should LEARN TO INDULGE EACH OTHER AND AVOID WHATEVER CAN LEAD TO INFIDELITY. This is the 13^th step.

Strictly speaking, there is no ideal or perfect marriage. Every lizard lies down flat on its belly and no one knows when any of them has stomach ache. Everybody struggles to make their marriage succeed. That is all the more reason why there should be no comparison. Patience and perseverance are very much needed in marriage. Successful marriage is for morally strong people; people with endurance or the staying power. It is the weak that quits. So husband and wife should LEARN TO CULTIVATE ENDURANCE, THE STAYING POWER. This is the 14^th step.

It is not enough to stay on; the quality of one’s stay is important. That is why husband and wife should be confidants. They should trust each other and share secrets. When they are open to each other, they avert suspicion. They should be understanding and tolerant. Let not familiarity breed contempt. So husband and wife should LEARN TO RESPECT EACH OTHER. This is the 15^th step.

The ideal is the perfection we aim at. If we aim very high we are unlikely to fall very low. That is why we should struggle to be perfect as our heavenly Father is perfect. God is our model. He originated marriage. He said “Increase and multiply and fill the earth.”  At the wedding feast at Cana in Galilee, Jesus turned water into wine that people may rejoice. Each time the Bible talks of bridegroom it is in terms of merrymaking. God wishes married couples happiness, and celebration of life. So couples should LEARN TO CELEBRATE LIFE, BE MERRY AND ACCEPT CHILDREN IN THEIR MARRIAGE WITH JOY. This is the 16^th step.

Our people always talk of making God one’s pillar of support: “Ijiri Chineke hiwe ishi - resting one’s head on God.”  The place of God in marriage needs to be secured. If a couple gives God the driver’s seat in their marriage God will row their boat safely to the shore even in the mist of the violent storms of life, but if they give Him a passenger’s seat He may fall asleep in their boat and they may be unable to weather the storms of life when they break out, as they are bound to do. Therefore, couples should LEARN TO PUT GOD FIRST IN ALL THEY DO. This is the 17^th step.

However, God helps those who help themselves. Knowledge is power and there is no substitute for education. Science is discovering more and more things and there is plenty of information couples may need to share about reproductive health and life in general. If one is educated and refined but the other is not there may be friction in their marriage. The one may feel inferior and the other frustrated. To save their marriages, such people should enrol in part time programs or hire a private teacher to couch them. It is possible to acquire education after making money. Couples should learn TO UPGRADE THEMSELVES INTELLECTUALLY SO THAT THEY CAN EFFECTIVELY SHARE INFORMATION. This is the 18^th step.

The steps are inexhaustible. The bottom line is the golden rule. A husband should treat his wife the way he would like her to treat him and vice versa. When she said this she looked at her son who initially said that his mother’s concept of ideal marriage was nonsense and she asked him to recap what she said if it made sense to him. Everybody laughed at him. He appologized to his mother and gave a good summary of both her exposè, and his father’s concern: marriage is not to be taken for granted. It is a very important institution that needs constant tending. So couples need to be up and about, alive to their responsibilities, anticipating each other’s needs. The world is alawa aghara – a thing one leaves behind as one is goes home to join the ancestors. Wise people put their house in order before death strikes. Good people like peace to reign in their family even after they are gone. It is not easy to live together in peace and harmony. Peaceful co-existence requires a lot of tolerance, understanding and forgiveness because nobody is perfect. We need to give one another a respectable distance. We are not to intrude in other people’s affair or barge in on their privacy. We should not be talkative, correct or comment on every fault we notice. That is why it is figuratively said the man of the house ought to be “blind” so as not to notice faults that will bring about quarrelling and fighting and scatter his family. To maintain a cordial relationship everybody involved has to make sacrifices; for marriage to succeed a couple must endure each other’s shortcomings, hence the maxim “Amara aghara wụ ụtọ - to know and let go is the secret of a happy relationship.” Successful marriage does not happen by chance. Marriage has its ups and downs, but if couples put mutual love, and the welfare of their children first they will not seek divorce when trials come. After all, nobody goes on hunger strike on account of constipation. Wrongs can be righted where goodwill exists even though patience is required. Apology and time are healing balm for wounded hearts. What could be more beautiful and desirable than a peaceful happy family where husband and wife respect each other’s personality and rights, where children have high regards for their parents, and receive love in an atmosphere of candour conducive for moral, intellectual, and spiritual growth? An ideal home is the pride of every family. That is why Father assembled us here and bared his mind to us.

He jokingly expressed the wish that their father would occasionally kill a cow and come up with another enlightening concept. Everybody laughed, expressed their appreciation and retired for the night as the day was far spent. What about the dishes? one of them asked as they got up to go to bed. Washing up can wait till tomorrow morning; the dishes will not run away, the children said laughing.
Eboh M.P.,Witty Tales and Proverbs for Moral Renewal, Pearls Publisher International Ltd., Port Harcourt, 2015, pp. 27-39.