ALLEGORICAL NOTION OF MARRIAGE (PART I)

Once upon a time, there lived a very rich man who was foresighted. Owing to the fact that he was the only child of his parents he married many wives and he married quite early too. So he had numerous children and grandchildren to consolidate his base. He thought of the best legacies to bequeath to posterity. His mind went to great and undying practices such as rituals. It occurred to him that human beings do what every other animal does except that they symbolically ritualise their own acts. For instance, all animals eat but humans take time to prepare their food: obtain, cook, dish out the food, sit down at table, wash their hands, eat, pick their teeth, drink water, wash their hands again, etc. Thus, on account of rituals, human beings complicate feeding, which lower animals do with ease. To sleep, lower animals just lie down and close their eyes but humans go through the ritual of making sleeping mats, beds, mattresses,  pillows, bed sheets, etc. They achieve the same purpose but whether humans arrive at a better quality of sleep is a matter for further reflection. Every animal procreates but humans go through the ritual of courtship, marriage contract, permanent relationships, live together as a family and eventually make their own babies and keep them under tutelage up to nineteen years or more.

Reflecting on marriage, the rich man recognised some trends. All couples observe the traditional rites of initiation into the marriage institution, yet some live out their married life with great intensity and commitment, some with laissez-faire attitude; some enjoy their marriages, others don’t because they misunderstand each other on daily basis, and some contemplate divorce, etc. Because marriage is the bedrock of family, and family is the basic unit of the wider community, and communities form the clan, the noble man very much wanted to bequeath to his people an ideal concept of marriage given that marriage is a very important institution and the continuity of a clan depends on it.

He held his five wives and numerous children in unity thanks to his first wife who skilfully helped him manage the administration of his family with justice and fairness. He feared that when he dies his family cohesion might break up. So one day he killed a cow and asked his wives to prepare sumptuous meal because he was going to host an important meeting. When the meal was ready he gathered his wives and children together and treated them to the meal. It was a family get-together. He appreciated their various contributions beginning from his first wife. He requested them to help him depict an ideal concept of marriage and family setting.

His 5th wife painted a fantastic concept of marriage. She depicted a panorama of an excellent peaceful and blissful life where the cat and dog played together like friends, the hawk and chicken the same, the same was applicable to man and wife. All lived by the bank of a cool refreshing silent brook and their lives were calm and peaceful. This is an ideal concept of marriage because of the serenity involved. No fracas, no misunderstanding! To show their approval, the man’s children clapped their hands because they liked the concept.

The first wife who was highly experienced took her time to conceptualize the best notion of marriage which is as realistic as what obtains in any community. She illustrated marriage as a turbulent river to be navigated with care. Downstream a couple is busy washing their dirty linens. Beside them stands a tree and on the tree top rests a bird’s nest where fledglings were reposing, chirping and flapping their wings. By the bank of the river another husband and wife were relaxing and chatting in a friendly manner. Beside them were yet another couple who were at each other’s throats, exchanging blows and yelling at each other.

“Mother, with due apology, this is nonsense,” said one of the sons. “How can this be an ideal concept of marriage?” The father said: “Son your Mum will explain it to us because there is sense in any nonsense. Otherwise, it wouldn’t be non-sense.” They all laughed. They began to think about the two notions of marriage presented. The father classified the first concept as romanticized and unrealistic. He preferred the second one because it is practical, real and down-to-earth. It is based on experience. He was of the opinion that youths should not be deceived into thinking that marriage is a bed of roses because it is not. It is rather a turbulent river to navigate. Those who understand the art and move with the current row with much ease, while those who swim against the current, have a rough and tough time.

The entire family were all ears and they asked their Big Mother to interpret the imageries used. She told them that marriage has principles, e.g. love, understanding, trust, patience and forgiveness, etc. Those who apply these principles enjoy their marriage like the couple in the picture who were relaxing and chatting in a friendly manner. Those who don’t are represented by the husband and wife downstream washing their dirty linens in public and also by the couple exchanging blows and yelling at each other. The fledglings in the bird’s nest represent their innocent children. They are up there on their high horse making demands and their basic needs must be met whether or not the marriage is smooth sailing.

 Marriage is an institution. In fact, it is a school where husband and wife learn the act of lovingly living together in peace; they study each other’s likes and dislikes, strengths and weaknesses for the sake of mutual respect, reciprocal services and peaceful co-existence. They graduate with honours if they become friends in the end. And they can only become friends if they apply the theorems of peaceful co-existence: “Amara aghara wụ ụtọ - Friendship consists in overlooking offenses.” “Di bi ulo n’ enwe anya mpịa - The man of the house needs to be blind.” That is, he should not look into everything or react to everything he sees. He should not pry but should turn a blind eye most of the time.

Marriage is rightly likened to a turbulent river. Nobody’s marriage is ideal and devoid of problems. Everyone struggles to make his or her marriage work. Couples disagree to agree; after quarrelling they make peace and forgive each other and life continues. The principles of love, trust, understanding, patience and forgiveness are indispensable in marriage.  Couples need to stick together to love and care for the children they bring into the world because when two elephants are fighting, it is the grass under them that suffers. Some people think that divorce is an answer to marriage problems but our people have it that “Ogiri luo di n’abụọ ya ghọrọ nke ka mma - It is when a woman has married two husbands that she is able to know who among them is better.” The implication is that the first husband often turns out to be better. No human being is perfect, not even the second husband. Things are even worst when a divorcee remains single.

Our ancestors also said that “Nwanyị Chọọ igba ọsọ na di, ya asị ejiri ujishi rọọ ya anya - When a woman wants to run away from her husband’s house she claims that she was frowned at in the night (in darkness)!”  That is, she fakes lame excuses. Such excuses include the perennial squabble between a wife and her mother- in-law. Problem is not solved by running away. Weaning her husband gradually off his mother requires a woman to play the role of both wife and mother. A sage has it that every man is a baby. It is therefore believed that when a wife treats her husband with maternal affection like her own son and does those things which a mother does for her son (feed, trim finger and toe nails, buy him clothes, etc.), he will eventually detach himself from his mother and cling to his loving wife. Every mother-in-law has another woman’s son as her husband. So it is only reasonable that she should let go of her own son, even though every wife should recognise the fact that she is married to the entire family.

When she had finished speaking, the noble man said “I have called all of you together to discuss this issue because life is a stage. If you look at my grey hairs you will know that I am no longer young. I may sooner or later bow out of the stage. Will the unity of this family continue when I am gone? This is my worry. Please think of it.”

The children thanked their father and asked him not to worry because he was leaving them a legacy which they would cherish and ever uphold. They will not let anything come between them. They pleaded with their big mother to articulate the marriage principles once again so that they may internalise them. Feeling that he has accomplished his mission, the noble man left them and retired to his bedroom. The family clustered around the first wife and requested her to teach them the principles of Ideal Marriage once again. They were all ears and their big Mother obliged them with eighteen vital steps to an ideal marriage and she took time to explain them one after the other.

Marriage is not a bed of roses. So nobody should embrace marriage if he/she is not mature enough to understand the change of status, its implications and the challenges that marriage poses. Marriage is not just recognition and societal approval to exercise a right to a consort’s body or to indulge the sexual appetite without prohibition. It is much more than that. Marriage demands a lot of virtues and continuous striving after perfection yet when people get wedded they relax because they think they have arrived. No, wedding is only the beginning of the journey. Marriage is a journey. That is why the Igbo wisely called it “ije-di”. Nobody should rush into marriage if he/she is not prepared to suffer in order to make it work. “Good soup na money mekam!” Money makes good soup; tasty soup requires money. Marriage is for mature people. PREPAREDNESS TO MAKE SACRIFICES is the 1^st step to ideal marriage.
Eboh M.P.,Witty Tales and Proverbs for Moral Renewal, Pearls Publisher International Ltd., Port Harcourt, 2015, pp. 19-26.